Of course, I’ve had the last 2 days off work though (booked as holiday), and managed to do loads around the house – even got the garden looking um…better \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
\t\tHere’s a typically lazy post:<\/p>\n
\nNEWS: England STILL In World Cup!<\/h1>\n
\t\tIn an extraordinary development in South Africa, Sepp Blatter has personally intervened to reinstate England in the 2010 World Cup.<\/p>\n
\t\tThe preposterous Swiss, long thought to be indifferent – at best – to the fortunes of the Three Lions, has reportedly become charmed by the diplomatic skills of David Beckham.<\/p>\n
\t\tAfter watching hours and hours of videotapes of Beckham taking free-kicks, delivering crosses, smiling nicely and shaking hands with starving kids like Lady Di etc., Blatter has had a sudden and complete change of heart on the use of video technology.<\/p>\n
\t\t“I like to slow the videos down and marvel at the way this tattooed lovely cocks his foot at just the right angle to deliver the ball,” said Blatter.<\/p>\n
\t\t“Football should be about humans, and David is simply the best human I have ever seen.”<\/p>\n
\t\tBlatter insisted that his decision was about more than simple admiration for the statesmanlike Leyton-born hunk.<\/p>\n
\t\t“England had a perfectly good goal disallowed and would have gone on to win the game against Germany. It was unfair, and it upset Becky, and if Becky is upset then I am upset.”<\/p>\n
\t\tBut Blatter, speaking at a joint press conference with Beckham, who smiled at lot, blinked slowly and then smiled a lot again to widespread applause from the press corp, stressed that there were conditions governing England’s readmission.<\/p>\n
\t\t“I am FIFA President and I must protect FIFA’s reputation for fairness and total probity in all things,” he said.<\/p>\n
\t\t“England will take Germany’s place in the quarter-finals, but they must field an entirely new team. None of the previous 23-man squad who were, let’s face it, a bunch of…”<\/p>\n
\t\t“S**tters?” suggested Beckham, smiling nicely again, to audible sighs from some journalists.<\/p>\n
\t\t“S**tters,” agreed Blatter. “A bunch of s**tters. Well, they will not be allowed anywhere near the competition, rest assured.”<\/p>\n
\t\tAsked to justify this incredible interference, Blatter said:<\/p>\n
\t\t“Let me put it like this to you, if The FIFA World Cup 2010 is a clean pair of panties, England have soiled those panties with their appalling performances. I must keep my panties clean, if you understand me.”<\/p>\n
\t\tThe decision is not without precedent. In Euro 2008, England – who were to have been represented by what Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, called “a bunch of utter, utter c***s” – were instead able to win the tournament by fielding a team of ‘Non-C***s’ after the original squad were kidnapped and kept in a basement for the duration of the tournament by Sam Allardyce and Peter Reid.<\/p>\n
\t\tFA Director of Something or Other Adrian Bevington briefed the media on England’s immediate plans.<\/p>\n
\t\t“David Beckham will coach the new team. Fabio will act as his translator.”<\/p>\n
\t\tHe announced a new, hastily-assembled squad of young players. New England will play a warm-up game against a media all-star team on Thursday, the only opposition available at short notice.<\/p>\n
\t\tGoalkeepers<\/strong>: Scott Loach, Declan Rudd.<\/p>\n
\t\tDefenders:<\/strong> Chris Smalling, Kieran Gibbs, Jack Cork, Jasper Johns, Matthew Briggs.<\/p>\n
\t\tMidfielders:<\/strong> Jack Wilshere, Jack Rodwell (Captain), Henri Lansbury, Dan Gosling, Jake Caskey, Adam Johnson, Fabian Delph.<\/p>\n
\t\tStrikers<\/strong>: Andy Carroll, Nathan Delfounesco, James Vaughan, Nile Ranger.
\n\t\tIn a phone poll, fans were asked: ‘What does this New England need to succeed?’<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\t\t43% said nice tattoos
\n\t\t28% said lots of running around and sweating
\n\t\t23% said passion, passion, passion!
\n\t\t3% said tactical awareness
\n\t\t2% said ‘how did you get this number?’
\n\t\t1% said Frank Lampard
\n\t\tJohn Nicholson and Alan Tyers<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\t\tHeh – well it made me giggle…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Of course, I’ve had the last 2 days off work though (booked as holiday), and managed to do loads around the house – even got the garden looking um…better \ud83d\ude42 Here’s a typically lazy post: NEWS: England STILL In World Cup! In an extraordinary development in South Africa, Sepp Blatter has personally intervened to reinstate England in the 2010 World Cup. The preposterous Swiss, long thought to be indifferent – at best – to the fortunes of the Three Lions, has reportedly become charmed by the diplomatic skills of David Beckham. After watching hours and hours of videotapes of Beckham […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ramblings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1458"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1458\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sneesh.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}