Shopping: a new dimension

    Well, I think everyone who reads this is aware of the fact that I. HATE. SHOPPING.

    As such, my trips to the shops consist of commando style planning (by this I mean mentally going around the shop working out what I needed whilst driving to Tesco), followed by a 5 minute (tops) run around said supermarket, then escaping – usually to the pub (after packing frozen/cold stuff away at home) for a refreshing cold beer.

    This (kinda) worked until Tesco, in their wisdom, decided to extend the St Neots store…

    Now, instead of a nice one-way system for cars, we have a mishmash (what a great word 🙂 ) of vehicles clogging up the entrance to the (now moved) petrol station which is now opposite the entrance/exit to the car park – what fun THAT is on a hot day when all I need is to get home.

    And so I decided to head into town and try out the Somerfield store…

    Oh noes! when I got there, they’ve been bought out by another supermarket giant (Co-op) and have changed the entire store design round. This led to me being a whole 15 minutes looking for 3 bloody items (no, I refuse to talk to the monkeys that work there – I might catch the chav ‘virus’ or such like).

    I’ve mentioned this to a lot of people, and most of them ask “Why not shop online if you hate it that much…”

    Well, I tried that and a couple of things REALLY get my goat about that too:

    1) Minimum spend £50. Now this isn’t usually a problem, simply top up the order with extra beer 🙂

    2) You have to book a delivery slot, and they charge you £5 for this. £5? to deliver my shopping? This doesn’t seem too bad really, until you consider that the delivery van is fully loaded with roughly 30 people’s shopping, all paying £5 (that’s about £150 to save y’all reaching for calculators/taking off socks etc.). This van would do probably 3 runs a day (so £450) so the old “But you’re paying for the delivery guy’s time.” doesn’t wash with me I’m afraid – I’ll take that £450 a day job thank you very much.

    After the last shopping trip, I was making my way to the pub afterwards, and pondering how to make the shopping experience (even slightly) more enjoyable bearable, I came up with the following ideas:

    1) Once a week, for a 1 hour slot, ONLY ‘speed shoppers™’ are allowed – this would enable me and like minded (i.e. sensible) people to ‘shop without sheep™’. A brilliant idea I’m sure you’ll agree…

    2) Alternatively, a red lane purely for moving trolleys (as opposed to stationary ones – stationery ones are a completely different kettle of um, fish 😐 )

    3) – And this is the best – automatic wheel clamps on trollies 🙂 let me explain the principle to this:

    Tesco offer a loyalty card, so I figure you swipe your loyalty card to get a trolley, the technology we have means anything put into the trolley shows as a sub-total on the handle (great huh?). The best bit is the wheel clamps though – if the trolley remains stationary for longer than 1 minute, the clamps come on and you have to pay a small fine (25p or so?) to get it moving again. Result: no more cluttering up aisles while the sheep do their sheepy things (chatting, staring into space, blocking my access to the beer).

    I’ve put these ideas to Tesco and will let you know what they say – personally, I think I’m on my way to becoming a millionaire*…

    * May be a slight exaggeration

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    0 thoughts on “Shopping: a new dimension

    1. I love the concept of shopping without sheep, this might actually make it more tolerable.

      1. What do you mean ‘might’?

        When I’m president of the new world order (note the lack of capitals), I’ll make this TEH LAW!

        And I seriously think option 3 is a good ‘un…

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